6 Tips to Transform the People Pleaser Within
“Be a nice girl.” “Be a nice boy.”
A phrase we have all heard and come to know.
Before we knew how to talk, these words were programmed into us.
A phrase we were subtly ‘promised’ would make us a good person.
A phrase that has been embedded into our society, marinated in our social relationships, woven deep into our ancestral lines + lineages, and drenched in our work environments.
Whether we like it or not, this phrase has shaped the way our society interacts with one another.
Without ever exploring these words ourselves, we looked to the world around us to create the definition for us.
As little kids, we began analyzing our environment to create an understanding of what this statement meant.
Which, might I add, is incredibly intelligent of our bodies & minds.
However, most of us are still running in the energetics of seeking to be a “nice girl” or “nice boy” with the hopes that we will receive validation, love and admiration.
The problem is most of us have not updated our current definition of what ‘compassion, integrity, or kindness’ mean to us interdependent of society and the world around us.
Because of this, many of us continue looping and operating in this realm, in hopes of being the ‘nice girl or boy’.
AKA, PEOPLE PLEASING.
This phrase creates an illusionary sense of belonging, that for the moment feels like a safety blanket.
However, behind the archetype of the ‘nice girl’ or ‘nice boy’ usually holds a repressed, and slightly frustrated version of your Self who yearns to be seen, liberated, heard and free.
These yearnings & feelings usually lie dormant in our bones, until we encounter a situation where:
Our truth is asking to be revealed.
We are emotionally and physically spread thin from over-giving.
We feel completely saturated with the feelings of resentment, anger & loneliness and want to blame the world around us.
Our sense of security, safety, and belonging feel threatened.
This archetype has played small, has hid their truth to ends meet, & continues to override their capacity of giving, in the name of being said ‘good person’.
When we do this, we are telling those around us:
…“I want to be perceived in a certain way that fits who you think I am, so I will be loved.”
… “Your opinion of me is how I gauge my worth, therefore I continue to people please.”
… “I allow others’ perception of me to override my Truth.” “I need to fix, heal and save others, in order to feel safe in my environment.”
… “I don’t trust myself when uncomfortable situations arise, therefore I don’t trust those around me.”
… “When I am doing what others want, I am perceived as a “good person”, so therefore I will do anything to maintain that identity.”
… “I don’t want to upset anyone or ever make anyone feel uncomfortable, therefore I stay small and suppress my feelings.”
I know this archetype all too well. As I have been her.
I have hid, shut down, suppressed built up anger, resentment and emotion. I have over-given until I have gotten sick. I have worked my ass off, only to feel unappreciated by the reflections around me.
I have done it all.
If you are there, or have been there.
I see you. I hear you. I am you.
Next time you encounter a situation where you find yourself collapsing at the thought of creating a boundary, or speaking your Truth or simply expressing an emotion that feels uncomfortable/ unwanted:
Try:
1. Trusting the part of you that is fierce is ALSO soft and heart forward.
2. Trusting the full range emotive & authentically expressed human you are holds an octave of compassion much deeper than your outdated definition of ‘nice’.
3. Asking yourself, “How much space does my body and spirit naturally want to take up in this moment?” Am I shrinking to order to stay safe?”
4. Try replacing ‘I want everyone to be comfortable.” with “Everyone has the capacity to take care of themselves.”
5. Asking yourself “What does my current definition of integrity, compassion, & kindness look and feel like? How can I begin to integrate this update now?”
6. Asking yourself “How much of my energy is being used to maintain a connection with no healthy boundaries?”
